Friendships are hard to come by. They require sacrifice, intentionality, and long-suffering, and they are by nature very fragile and somewhat elusive. For those blessed with long-standing friendships, you have likely weathered many storms, forgiven many sins, and endured many hardships to cultivate and maintain the relationships you enjoy. And the reason why it’s been worth it is that a good friendship is worth its weight in gold.
For those of us who have not had the same success when it comes to friendships, it is still a necessary endeavor, which means it is a worthy thing to pursue, even if you find yourself in a season of scarcity. These words are primarily for you.
Before I share two personal stories with you, I want us to be reminded of some key passages that promote the significance of friendship.
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a difficult time” (Prov. 17:17).
“Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their efforts. For if either falls, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to lift him up. Also, if two lie down together, they can keep warm; but how can one person alone keep warm? And if someone overpowers one person, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not easily broken” (Ecc. 4:9–12).
“One with many friends may be harmed, but there is a friend who stays closer than a brother” (Prov. 18:24).
“No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. I do not call you servants anymore, because a servant doesn’t know what his master is doing. I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard from my Father” (John 15:13–15).
Here are three summary thoughts on a few of the underlying themes these verses provide:
- Friendships help us endure life’s ongoing hardships.
Sometimes it feels like our closest friends were literally “born” for difficult times. Whatever kind of distress we may be experiencing—physical, emotional, spiritual, or mental—we go to our friends to be seen, heard, and known. Just knowing that we have somebody unequivocally on our side is oftentimes the way God shows His presence to us.
- Friendships are where we find day-to-day support.
It is not only in the peaks and valleys where our friends prove indispensable, but also in the ordinary moments of our day-to-day lives. Our friends are the ones we depend on to provide encouragement, humor, and meaningful conversations that bring levity and joy into all the mundane details.
- Friendships are how we learn to love and serve others deeply.
Friendships are where we learn how to be loyal and serve others sacrificially. I once overheard a friend telling someone I didn’t know that he would give me “the shirt off his back.” It immediately filled me with so much gratitude, as well as a desire to do the same for him.
When we consider the kind of friendship Jesus has with us, it inspires us to want to lay down our own lives for those we love.
Of course, these three thoughts are reasons why almost all of us desire to have close friends. The shadow side of this reality is when we don’t have friends like these, or when we’ve been hurt by friends and wonder if it is worth it to take the risk to pursue friendships again. I have two stories to share that will hopefully convince you that pursuing friendships (within or outside of a ministry context) is a necessary endeavor.
Friend-less
When we relocated from southern California to Ohio more than 14 years ago, I was immediately thrust into a place where we quite literally had no friends. What made it even more difficult was that I was in a cultural context where I stood out quite a bit and did not share the familial or generational roots prevalent with most of the locals. In other words, I was an outsider, and outsider status in a small or rural community is an incredibly hard thing to try to break through.
I was struggling pretty badly until a Gospel Coalition regional chapter in the city south of where I lived invited me to join them for their monthly gatherings. It became a balm to my soul like nothing else. Space prevents me from sharing how deeply it impacted my life, but I will tell you this—some of the brothers I met at this gathering have become my dearest friends, and one of them in particular was even responsible (in part) for my current vocation as a pastor to pastors today. This leads me to the second part of my story.
Friend-Leery
At the end of 2024, my wife and I relocated to Indiana to embark on some new ministry opportunities that we felt the Lord had called us to. Even though we left our previous church on good terms, not all our relationships remained as intact as we would have hoped. Because of this, we rolled into our new town and new church feeling a bit raw and risk averse. The easiest thing for us would have been to hide away, shut ourselves off from people, and create what may have initially felt like a safe haven in order to avoid the potential of being hurt again.
But we knew better.
Yes, we needed to go slow, seek good counsel, process our grief, and pray for healing, but what we didn’t want to do was let our fear prevent us from fostering new friendships, if and when the Lord opened those doors.
The Fruit of Friendship
What we’ve learned in 20 years of ministry is that friendships play an invaluable role in our spiritual health and well-being. No, they don’t always last. They may come undone at the seams, and at times turn into some of the saddest catastrophes in life, but despite all the potential tragedies and complexities, we know that God has made us for friendship. We know that we would not be the people we are today without the friendships that have shaped us both positively and negatively.
Friendships are how the Lord has made His generosity, goodness, grace, and forgiveness more visible in our lives. Friendships are how He has given us greater knowledge of our sin and shortcomings, and greater empathy and compassion for others. Friendship has provided us with the practice of loving and being loved, knowing and being known, and without it we would never experience the presence of God as deeply as we have.
Whether you are friend-less or friend-leery right now, don’t give up on pursuing friendships. The rewards far outweigh the risks! They are a necessary endeavor for you and for the fruit of your life and ministry.
Ronnie Martin | Director of Leader Care and Renewal, Harbor Network; Pastor In Residence, Redeemer Community Church
